Her Perspective

"Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal." - Vironika Tugaleva Not long ago, a friend and I were talking and sharing things we could each use prayer for. After I spoke, she replied "Oh my gosh, I have absolutely no reason to complain about my problems when you're going through that!" I kindly corrected her. "Your problems are valid. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. What you're going through is unique and challenging to you. What I'm going through is unique and challenging to me." You've probably had similar conversations during your life with someone who either dismisses their own problems because yours seem worse, or dismisses yours because someone else has it worse. Here's the thing: Suffering is personal, not quantifiable. Of course there are people in the world who have it worse than us. But does that mean one's sufferin

"She was a forgiver. Her heart was so large, she didn't know how to give up on people because she always believed the good in those she loved." - C.R. Bittar Abuse is a process that unfolds very slowly with calculated tactics by a master manipulator. Abusers don't walk up to you and punch you on the first date. I feel the need to clarify the obvious, because so many of you seem to be confused. So many of you, don't know why victims stay. You think we are ignorant. You think we have low self-eseteem. You think we are poor. You think we are a certain ethnicity. You think we are uneducated. You think our dads abused us; therefore we sought a man who would reinforce the negative self-image we must've adapted from fathers who tainted our perception of ourselves. You think we are poor judges of character. You think we are naive. You think we came from broken homes. You think we don't know how to read people and are gullible. .... and

" The way we talk to our children becomes their inner-voice ." My son is a very active toddler who is full of energy and has a mischievous personality. A few weeks ago I found he had gotten into markers and was coloring on my bedroom furniture. "Bravery!" I exclaimed. "Is that something you should be doing?" I was shocked at his reply "Me, bad boy." I quickly replied "No, you're not a bad boy. You're a good boy. But you did make a bad decision." He argued "Me, bad boy." It's continued since then. Every time I have to correct or redirect him he has been telling me "Me, bad boy." I don't know where this idea came from. I'm not sure if someone who was watching him told him he was a bad boy. But it breaks my heart and I am trying my hardest to get him to stop saying it. I'm sure some wouldn't give it a second thought. I'm sure some frequently use that very phrase to poin

" God is the only one who can love everything you are despite everything you're not. " You know when you're in one of those really rough seasons how it's easy to wonder if God is even there? You feel abandoned and it seems like you have no capacity to improve your situation. You just need someone to throw you a lifeline. I've been there.  Recently, I was in a season of complete burnout. Of feeling like God was only there when I performed and checked all the boxes. I could only keep that up for so long before I ran out of steam. That mixed with several other life circumstances that all hit at once (Because that's what they do, right? All hit at once...) and I was done. I had nothing left to give.  And I was PISSED. ...pissed at God.  Can I be super honest?  At the peak of it all, there was a night that was particularly brutal. I was laying on my bathroom floor. Crying and screaming at God "Where the hell are you?!" 

"I'm thankful for every break in my heart. I'm grateful for every scar. Some pages were turned, some bridges were burned, but there were lessons learned." How often have you looked back on your life with a different perspective than the one you had during the midst of a specific memory? Maybe the pain from a terrible event has subdued with time. Maybe the resentment you once carried is no longer there and you gained the ability to see the other person's perspective - which now allows you to extend grace. Time is a beautiful gift, isn't it? Some horrific events, surely are an exception. Anyone who has lost a loved one could attest to this. I suspect you never get to a point in life where that memory doesn't hurt and your heart no longer aches with longing. Even though grieving changes with time, nobody ever gets to a place of gratitude for the loved one they lost. I would never insinuate that because that would be foolish. However, with respect to

"What a terrifying time to be raising boys" she said - glumly shaking her head after catching a recent update on the news. "It's too bad women can make accusations against men and get away with it. Our poor sons will have to constantly live in fear of women; always worried - knowing that even just looking at the wrong way might warrant a false allegation of abuse. What a shame." It didn't sit well with me. Not even a little bit. Having past abusive encounters with more than 1 man, my heart wanted to vomit when it felt her words and caught a glimpse of the reality that shapes her perspective. I couldn't disagree with her more.  What an amazing time to raise our boys to be men. What a beautiful occasion for more men to arrive on the scene. We've never needed them more than we do now. The job opportunity is in high demand.  To raise our sons to accept that no means no .  To raise our sons to use their gift of leadership to empo

"The most beautiful discovery friends make is that they can grow separately, without growing apart" Friendship takes on many forms to different people at different times. It can be a blessing, a burden, a learning experience, an opportunity to pour out and to be filled. Sometimes it comes from people you would least expect; and sometimes, those you hope will never leave, end up being the ones that walk away. It's a blessing. All of it. Sometimes in the moment it's hard to embrace the pain of a friendship that has come to the end of its season. But with some perspective and personal growth on our side, hopefully hindsight allows us to be grateful for all of the seasons friendship journeys through. It's the high school best friend you part ways with and reconnect with 30 years later. It's the military wives who used to be in your home daily; whose homes are now across oceans on different bases. It's the friend who wasn't a likely candid

Social media keeps our lives spinning 100 miles an hour and it seems the rules are always changing.  Right now the name of the game is "prove your worth and your life exciting." I can't seem to get through an outing without being photographed or recorded on video. It seems like every time I turn around, someone is holding out their phone, trying relentlessly to get the perfect boomerang for the story or perfect selfie for their profile picture. And that's fine. Look, the point of this post is not to bash social media. I have had my fair share of doing all of those things and probably will again sooner or later. We can't judge those people because we don't always know them or their story. Maybe it is an insecure person who often updates their profile picture because the interaction on the photo is how they feel good about themselves. Or maybe it's someone who almost lost their life to cancer. Maybe surviving created a desire to document everyth

Last week I wrote a post about why we need to stop labeling our sons as flirts and heartbreakers. You can read it here. Now I am doing a follow up post on why we should stop telling our daughters they are pretty. I know... I sound like a harsh, abrasive mother, right? Like, who wouldn't want their daughter to know she is beautiful? I get where you're coming from... and I agree . But I think there is more to it. Let me explain. In simply telling our daughters how lovely their outward appearance is, we help coax them right into society's hands. The same society that will inevitably wreak havoc on their self-esteem at some point in their lives. The society that screams "you have nothing to offer besides your looks!"... ...that begs "don't you dare go in public without your makeup on!" The society that offers endless comparisons of who looks better; who has a firmer, tanner, more flawless body than her. The society that will

I hear it at least once a week... "Your son is so cute! He's such a flirt. You're going to have to keep a close eye on him when he's older!" I always make a point to acknowledge half of your comment. "Yes, he is a cutie!" I say, as I shrug it off and try not to show my annoyance. I know what you're probably thinking ... "Sensitive much? Jess, what's the big deal about a simple comment, meant as a compliment?" While I appreciate people delighting in my offspring like I do, I don't appreciate the extra, negative labels. You see, the verb flirt is synonymous with "tease", "toy", and "lead on". The noun "trifler" "philanderer" (womanizer) and heartbreaker, among others. Did I miss the part when those things became something we want our children to aspire to? I understand flirting is healthy and helpful in establishing a new relationship or keeping the spark in a committed o

After getting out of an extremely abusive relationship, I was dumbfounded by how I even got mixed up with the guy. Mind you, it wasn't physically abusive. Which, actually makes it harder for anyone to recognize. That's the abuse I am talking about in this post... the silent kind.. that often goes unnoticed, until it's too late. Though I can now look back and see red flags, I didn't then. The man wasn't consistent with his medication for multiple diagnosed mental illnesses and also had a very serious undiagnosed mental disorder . So keep in mind there were a lot of calculated tactics and numerous lies strategically placed to keep me from the truth. Regardless, things stand out now that didn't then.  Had I been given a checklist of what qualifies as abuse - beyond physical violence - what I was enduring would've checked all of those boxes. That checklist would've looked something like this.  If you are in a relationship and find yourself up aga